Growth

It has been a while I ditched my little garden.
Time flies and I am currently in week 6 of my third semester.
Third semester should be a super hectic semester as the time table is crazily packed and there are many modules we need to cover.
Surprisingly, I am more slacked than the previous two semesters. This shouldn't be that way and I know it.
Now I am trying hard to pull myself back on track and control my playfulness.
I keep reminding myself about my target so that I will be motivated and feel determined to continue my journey. Just need to be more hardcore and I may be able to reach what I wish to.
As time passes, I get to understand people around me more.
Slowly I can see different sides of them. Some sides may not be what I have expected but acceptance is what I have to learn.
It seems many incidents happened recently and I feel a bit sick to face and handle it.
Well, I don't have much choices as the inner feeling started to take over me. I think I have the responsibility to get it done and fix it. The outcome will never be desirable.
I understand because I can't please everyone. Those who understand me will know my intention.
I shall spend more time on what I should or what I've ignored.
I shall pack those rubbish feelings and start working harder.
"Maturity is not when we start speaking big things. It is when we start understanding small things."

A New Chapter of Life - "Shaddap and Go Dai"

On 18 February, I started my second semester.

During my semester 2, I met a bunch of awesome friends - "Shaddap and Go Dai".

It's my pleasure to know all of you. This is the largest gang I ever have.
Fate arranged by God is amazing. I didn't expect us to be close like now.
We met because we all volunteered to be orientation officers (OO).
We get closer because of the dinner at Murni Bukit Jalil after OO meeting.
We get closer and closer because of all the birthday celebrations for our beloved friends.

Edrea's advanced birthday celebration at TGIF, The Garden on 26 April 2013

Kim Eik Boss's advanced birthday celebration at Kampai, Sri Petaling on 29 April 2013

Charlene's advanced birthday celebration at Baskin Robbin, Sri Petaling on 8 May 2013

Travis's advanced birthday celebration at Feng Lai, The Garden on 17 May 2013. 

(Forgot to take group photo)

Jenn's advanced birthday celebration at Get Together Cafe, Sri Petaling on 21 May 2013.

On 10 June, I completed my end-of-semester exam for semester 2. 

I was hoping all my hard work can pay off.

Anyway, result was released on 21 June.

Somehow I think I can do better than this. Anyway, I should be grateful so I will just accept this and work harder next time. =)

I'm going to start my semester 3 soon. Hwaiting buddies!

On 12 to 16 June, I had a wonderful Tioman trip with you.
Some of you may realise I have been to Tioman Island with my pre-u gang.
Yes, I went there once again with uni gang. It is a totally different experience with two bunches of friends with different kind of awesomeness. =)
 I hope we can maintain our friendship and have many many more sweet memories together! Here is the super duper nice group photo! *perasan*

First group photo taken at Berjaya Resort after canoeing on 14 June 2013.

(Nicole, Xiang Yin, Charlene, Mei Kei, Travis, Me, Shun Ern, Jenn, Khai Tching, Frozone, Hui Ling, Teck Kok, Kim Eik & Janice)

Second group photo taken at Paya Beach Resort after snorkelling on 15 June 2013.

( Jenn, Travis, Charlene, Me, Teck Kok, Xiang Yin, Nicole, Shun Ern, Hui Ling, Khai Tching, Frozone & Mei Kei )

Third group photo taken at Paya Beach Resort while waiting for ferry on 16 June 2013.

( Khai Tching, Travis, Kim Eik, Nicole, Janice, Charlene, Mei Kei, Hui Ling, Me, Jenn., Shun Ern, Teck Kok, Frozone & Xiang Yin )

Itinerary of my Tioman trip..
12 June 2013
1230 - Bus from Terminal Bus Selatan (TBS) to Mersing, Johor (Duration : 5.5 hours)
**Ern ern departed from Masai, Johor to meet us at Mersing, Johor. Pity him as he waited for us for one hour. =P
1810 - Check in to Blue Water Budget Hotel.
**After bathing, we went for dinner.
2200 - Second round - supper at mamak! Went to the nearby jetty and chit chat + photograph session. =)
2330 - So called Girl's talk with three guys and five girls in my room until 0230.
**Being complained in the next morning as we were too noisy. Opps.. But "noisy" is our symbol! Can't help it and sorry. =p

13 June 2013
0920 - Waiting for ferry at the waiting area.
1100 - Boarding.
**Most of us were sitting at the back of the jetty, enjoying the wind and sunlight. Nevertheless, it was kinda tiring as we have to stand for 1.5 hours.
1230 - Check in to Paya Beach Resort.
**After leaving our luggages, we went and had lunch. There was sth happened in between and luckily we met a nice manager and get it done.
1600 - Went to the beach and learnt how to float! Thanks to Charlene! Hahaha.. If you are there, you can see us floating like dead bodies on the sea. *choi!!!* *touch wood*
**We were planning what games to play at night in the hotel. Thanks to our game master, Mei Kei. =)
2000 - Dinner. We went and bought "tools" needed for games.
**Went to book the time for snorkelling. Uncle arranged our snorkelling trip on Saturday. As half of our gang don't know how to swim, so he decided to train us on the next day at 1630.
2300 - Game time! Those who watch Running man will know how the game is with Rocky. XD
**Amazing experience. Surprisingly everyone is so open minded. There were some epic scenes in my phone which remain unrevealed. Spent 1.5 hours in playing this. =)
14 June 2013
1030 - Enjoy the fish at jetty and had photograph session.

1100 - Brunch!
**highlight - those who are scared of CATSSSS!! (Esp Frozone, Janice & Charlene)
1220 - We rented sea taxi to Berjaya Resort. We went there with speed boat and it was a great experience. One word - SYOK!!! Initially we planned to cycle there, end up with canoe. Well, it was not so tiring as we took turn to canoe. I have chosen the best photo to upload here. Here's the victory!

**Before canoeing, we had photograph session. Best collections :

**Highlight of canoeing - Our VP, TAY SHUN ERN just sat there but not CANOEING. Pity Mei Kei as she had to canoe for his part. Yet, our VP still showed his tired face.
**Highlight of canoeing - One bottle of 1.5 L mineral water costs RM10!!!! (Lintah darat!)

1530 - We took sea taxi back to Paya Beach Resort. Changed into swimming suits for the snorkelling training. Kim Eik and Janice didn't join.
1630 - Snorkelling training. We learnt how to use the snorkel equipments such as mask, snorkel and fins. Everyone look like alien with the mask and snorkel on. Everyone walk like a penguin with the fins on. Thank you uncle for the guidance. We are ready to snorkel!
**We slacked at night as we need to wake up early on the next day.
15 June 2013
0900 - We gathered at jetty and we took speed boat to our first spot of snorkelling. For those who experienced snorkelling before, you may feel it is nothing special but I felt quite excited! Our gang was split into two as a speed boat cannot fit all of us. Our first spot is known as White Sand Beach. It was astonishing! A spectacular scenery! The sand is really white and the sea is really clear. We snorkelled in pair and my partner is Frozon-neh. XD
It is funny to see our cool VP's face. HAHAHA!!! The hero on land but not in water.
I forgot what's the name of the second spot. This time we got down in the middle of the sea instead of the sea shore. Get our fins on and jump from the boat. It is amazing to see those colourful fish and coral. AWESOME!!
1200 - We had our lunch at Salang Beach. It was super duper hot! I was stupid as I didn't bring sunblock along. Sunblock that we applied this morning was gone. We should bring one extra sunblock so that we can apply again. STUPID ME.
**Khai Tching was bothered by a black cat which kept calling him for food!
1300 - Our fourth spot of snorkelling is Marine Park. It was quite wavy that day. I was lucky to have many fish around me as there was a tourist beside me who was feeding the fish. Get to touch those fish together with Frozon-neh! My friends, Mei Kei, Xiang Yin and Travis get the chance to dive with uncle and touch the bottom of the sea! I dare not to try as I am a bit fail in regulating my breath and body. Well, nice try and you guys are brave!
1430 - Last spot of snorkelling is Renggis Island. The boat stopped right in the middle of the sea. Soooooo DEEP! I was lucky to see SHARK!! Out of 12 of us, there were only 4 of us able to see the shark. Frozon-neh get the chance to see the shark because of me as I called him and pointed the shark to him. Thanks me thanks me. XD
1500 - Reached Paya Beach Resort and here come to an end of our snorkelling trip. Had a group photo together with the uncle. Thank you so much!

**Highlight of snorkelling - We all became CHAO DAH! All became OH OH! (became tanner and some got sunburn)

**Highlight of snorkelling - Get to feel the beauty of habitat of aquatic organisms. Get the chance to drink a lot of salty sea water. Yuck! Dehydrated....
1630 - Went to have Ice kacang to replenish our energy.
1730 - Nap nap nap!
1945 - Dinner time!
2130 - We went to the duty free shop to buy T-shirts so we have the same T-shirt! Many of them asked me why I am wearing black T-shirt but the rest of them wear white T-shirt. This is because we need 6 M size white T-shirts. They only have 5 M size white T-shirt. So I was forced to take one M size black T-shirt. About Jenn, she insisted that she wanted black T-shirt. So both of us are the odd one among the gang. Well, it doesn't matter since I can't choose.
2300 - Alcohol time. Kim Eik brought poker cards and we played game with the poker cards. Those who lose have to drink one gulp of whisky (Black label + coke/sprite in the proportion of 1:9). The effect of alcohol : hyper, talk loudly, laugh loudly, do some stupid stuff! Thanks to Frozone, we get to see someone get drunk. Hahahaha.. Well, don't be shy! A new side of you has been discovered! Here is the 38!
It was such a coincident!

**Highlight of alcohol night - 2 superheroes got drunk.

**Highlight of alcohol night - Sth happened and it dragged our sleeping time to 0330. 

16 June 2013

0700 - I was the earliest one. My job is to wake the others up after I get myself done. We have decided to wear the shirts we bought yesterday.

**Hui Ling is the one who wanted to be the first one to wake up. However, she asked me to go first as she wanted to sleep for a while more. Iiiishhh.. XD

1000 - Check out and had breakfast. Our ferry will be arriving at 1400. So we have a lot of time to spend and loiter. 

1100 - Some of them were playing frisbee. Some of them were playing the swing. Some of them went to the waterfall. Some of them went and walked around. We asked one of the tourists there to help us to take a group photo. Then I was busy taking photo with others. SELCA! 

1400 - Boarding and everyone slept like a pig in the ferry. 

**Highlight in the ferry - Hui Ling coughed and everyone woke up because of that! SOOOO FUNNY!!!

1630 - KFC as early dinner at Mersing. 

1730 - We said Bye Bye to our beloved Ern ern as he went back to his hometown straight after that. Bus from Mersing to TBS, Cheras. Thank you Frozon-neh for sitting beside me so that I won't die of boredom. We chatted for 4.5 hours surprisingly! Get to know you more. =P

Pity Teck Kok and Hui Ling as the passenger in front of them asked them to be silent. Can see Teck Kok was pekcek (pissed off) !

2250 - Reached TBS. SAY GOODBYE TO EVERYONE AND WE WILL MEET IN SEM 3!

**Everyone suffered from post-trip syndrome. Super duper miss the moment together as we make noise together. I love you guys!

My cute friends.. Thank you for being here..

This is my lingling from PD.

I like her character because the way she thinks is very simple. 

One means one. For her, "Why must you all make it so complicated?"
Her quotes - "I am hungry. What to eat later?" "Where got?" "I want to shit!"
And many many more. 

I like her cheerful character as I won't feel stress when I am with her.
I feel very comfortable. 

This is Jenn from KL. 

I knew her since A-levels. She is one of the pure banana in our gang.
I bet her Mandarin improved a lot because of us!
Even though she is quite quiet in our gang but she is one of the main "supplier" of horny talk!

Opps.. :p

This is ernern from Masai, Johor.

First impression : A super hyperactive person who can run around in the audi.

I thought he is playful but he can also be very serious. 

He is a responsible person that's why he can be upgraded to be our VP! 

He is good in study. 

He is one of my bro who can always let me shoot and shoot me back.

A sampat bro with his own temper and character.
Glad to have you as VP as you are a good helper and listener too. :)

This is Kim eik aka Si Kemek from Puchong, KL.
Initially, I thought he is a quiet person but after getting along for some time, he is 38 too!
Bullshit master number 2!
He is a good friend as he cares about his friends.
He is alert enough to feel the weird atmosphere if there is sth wrong.

This is Frozon-neh from Penang.
The maid in the gang. He is always being bullied by the elders in the gang.
I can see he enjoys doing all that huh..
A funny and childish person. The hero in the water!
A person who is good at sports which involved legs but not hands. Damn funny!
Since the unexpected talk in the bus, I discovered different side of him. More to come huh?

This is Xiang Yin from Penang.
One of the smartie in the gang! Our boss who is super duper strong!
Her 10% force is large enough to let you fly away!!
Hahaha.. Pity those who kena punch by her. Straight away bibubibu.. (ambulance!)
Don't be tricked by her size. Hahahaha.. You will never want to try that.
She is very nice actually. Haha.. One more thing, the main "supplier" of horny talk!

This is Teck Kok from Nilai or Tapah.
He is proud of his height as he thinks God is fair. Those who are good looking may not have the ideal height!
So p-e-r-a-s-a-n..
Undeniably, he has a very nice voice and he is our portable karaoke!
He has very good social skills so he is being elected as the PR of our gang.
Don't forget to apply a layer of honey on your tongue every morning yea!

This is Nicole from Cheras, KL.
A super nice and friendly girl.
You will feel super comfy and good to own someone who is so sweet!
She is good in taking care of people too!
Glad to have you sweetheart!

This is Khai Tching from Ipoh, Perak.
The tallest guy in our gang! He is a very shy guy.
But when he jokes, he shows a super serious face! Damn pro!
He is a kind guy as he is quite cincai (in a good sense) and he is not calculative.
One more thing, Yoona is his wife! XD

This is Mei Kei from Cheras, KL.
One of the smarties in the gang.
I was impressed by her because of her gwiyomi! Hahaha..
She is very pro in planning games as she has a lot of fun experiences.

Travis from PJS and Charlene from Desa Petaling, KL.
Travis is the famous actor in our gang as he likes to act.
His acting skills really pro! Mou dak deng!
Charlene, the cute girl in the gang. She is sweet too!

After blogging for so long, I start missing my high school gang and my pre-u gang. So I planned to arrange a yumcha session with my high school gang and badminton session with my pre-u gang. Hope I will be able to make it! 

A nice catchup with Puishan on 22 June 2013.

I love you, my beloved friends. Of course I won't forget my beloved family! :D
Take good care of your health as the haze is getting worse. 

Enjoy your day. <3

Just Persevere..

There may not be anyone out there to read but I really find no way to vent.
I really need a break. I want to overcome this so desperately.
I need shoulders. I need ears. I need hug. I need someone out there to reach me.
In short, S-U-F-F-E-R-I-N-G & S-T-R-E-S-S!
Keep telling myself don't give up and don't procrastinate, or else I will regret.
Now I am worried & I really want to get it done perfectly.
At least no regret.
I can smell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R!

Fully-charged Battery*Motivation*Aim*Hard work*Determination

Nowadays, human always race with time. During the race, we tend to focus on our goals that we are trying to realise. However, we ignore the beautiful scenery along the journey. Until we reach the destination, the satisfaction is not as great as we expected and imagined. Life is miserable at some time but when we know how to look at it at different angles, everything changes. 

Undeniably, many things have changed as we grow up. We will realise that things are not the same as what we used to have last time. Sometimes when we think and reminisce, it is kind of heartache because we know we can never go back to that time. No matter what we think and do, the time frame has changed from present to past. Memory is good but we can never go back and live in our memory. We always say "I miss the old time! I wish I can go back! " We miss it because of the person or something else? I have no idea. We are forced to move on and live in the present moment. 

I have experienced a lot of transitions in these few years. From Mandarin to English, from dependent to independent, from single to owned back to single, from a bunch of friends to few close friends, from spoon-feeding to self-study, from banana friends to friends come from everywhere and etc. I guess these help me in growing and changing me to a different lixuan. I don't know whether it is a good change or what. One thing I believe is no matter how I change, my family and friends who can understand me will accept my changes openly. Social circles may be getting smaller and smaller but I think attitude is the one that matters. You may not agree with my attitude and I would like to hear any comments from your side. If the comments are good for me, I don't mind taking it and bear in my mind. Don't ever judge a book by its cover. You will never know what the person is experiencing until you are being put in the same situation. In short, we must learn to be more considerate and understanding. Sometimes, we can't do anything as things may be inevitable. 

As what I have stated in the title of this blog post, I need to equip myself with all that as my final exam is in exactly two weeks time. I will try my best to replenish those elements needed to ensure that there is no regret. Try to bear for another 3 weeks and holiday will come to me. Looking forward to those outings that I owe my friends and my trip with uni mates. The quantity of friends are not as important as the quality of friends. Same goes to date, we don't need grand place or other "decorations" but we just need the quality time with our beloved friends and family. Good luck to everyone of you. =)

Zombie

I am so tired to live a life like a zombie everyday.
Where is my motivation?
I am just like a human without soul. Where is my soul?
Seriously, I am physically and mentally exhausted.
Tears dropped until my neurones are no longer sensitive.
Numb. I feel like crying until the stage where there is no tear but purely pain in the heart.

The pain is killing me silently. The stress is building up bit by bit.
God, can you take away all the pains and tears? 

I don't want to live like that. 

Inspiring Story

Some of you may hear about him, Dr. Richard Teo.
This was one of his speeches before he passed away. I found it inspiring.
It is not about religion but faith. There may be some medical jargon which you will find it difficult to understand. Do google to learn more.
Here you go. :)

Hi good morning to all of you. My voice is a bit hoarse from the chemotherapy, so please bear with me. I thought I’ll just introduce myself. My name is Richard, I’m a friend of Danny’s, who invited me here.

I’d just begin to say that I’m a typical product of today’s society. Before this, I was talking about how the media influences us etc. So I’m a typical product of what the media portrays. From young, I’ve always been under the influence and impression that to be happy, is to be successful. And to be successful, is to be wealthy. So I led my life according to this motto.

Coming from a poor average family, back in those days, I was highly competitive, whether in sports, studies, leadership. I wanted it all. I’ve been there, done that. But at the end of the day, it’s still about money.

So in my recent last years, I was a trainee in ophthalmology, but I was getting impatient, cos I had friends of mine who were going out into private practise, making tonnes of money. And there I was, stuck in a traineeship. So I said, ‘Enough, it’s getting too long.’ At that time, there was a surge in protégés of aesthetic medicine. I’m sure you’re aware, aesthetic medicine had peaked over the last few years, and I saw good money in there. So much so that I said, ‘Forget about ophthalmology, I’m gonna do aesthetic medicine.’ So that’s what I did.

The truth is, nobody makes heroes out of the average GP in the neighbourhood. They don’t. They make heroes out of rich celebrities, politicians, rich and famous people. So I wanted to be one of these. I dived straight into aesthetic medicine. People were not willing to pay when I was doing locum back in those days. Anything more than $30, they would complain that “Wah, this lo kun (doctor) jing qwee (very expensive)”. They made noise and they were not happy. But the same people were willing to pay $10 000 for a liposuction. So I said, ‘Well, let’s stop healing the sick, I’m gonna become a beautician; a medically-trained beautician.’

And that was what I did – liposuction, breast augmentation, eyelid surgeries, you name it, we do it. It was very good money. My clinic, when we started off, waiting time was 1 week; 1 month; became 2 months; became 3 months. There was so much demand that people were literally queuing up to have aesthetic work done on them. Vain women – easy life!

So the clinic grew. I was so overwhelmed, from 1 doctor, I employed 2, then 3, then 4 doctors, and carried on. Nothing is ever enough. I wanted more and more and more. So much so that we set up shop in Indonesia to lure all the Indonesian tai tai’s. We set up shop, set up a team of people there, to get more Indonesian patients to come in.

So, things were doing well. I’m there, my time has arrived.

Around some time in February last year, I said, ‘OK, I have so much spare cash, it’s time to get my first Ferrari. So there I was, getting ready for the deposit. ‘OK! There comes my first Ferrari!’ I was looking for land, to share with some of my friends. I have a banker friend who makes $5 million a year. So I thought, ‘Come, let’s come together. Let’s buy some land and build our houses.’

I was at my prime, getting ready to enjoy. At the same time, my friend Danny had a revival. They were going back to church, some of my close friends. They told me, ‘Richard, come, join us, come back to church.’

I have been a Christian for 20 years; I was baptised 20 years ago, but it was because it was fashionable to be a Christian then. All my friends were becoming Christians then. It was fashionable! I wanted to be baptised, so that when I filled in a form, I could put there “Christian” – feels good. In truth, I had never had a bible; I don’t know what the bible is all about.

I went to church for a while, after some time, I got tired. I said it’s time to go to NUS, stop going to church. I had a lot more things to pursue in NUS – girls, studies, sports etc. After all, I had achieved all these things without God today, so who needs God? I myself can achieve anything I want.

In my arrogance, I told them, “You know what? You go tell your pastor to change your sermon to 2pm. I will consider coming to church.” Such arrogance! And I said 1 statement in addition to that – till date, I don’t know I’ve regretted saying that – I told Danny and my friends, “If God really wanted me to come back to church, He will give me a sign.”. Lo and behold, 3 weeks later, I was back at church.

In March 2011, out of the blues – I was still running around, ‘cause I’m a gym freak and I always go to the gym training, running, swimming 6 days a week. I had some backache, and that’s all I had, but it was persistent. And so I went for an MRI to exclude prolapsed disc. And the day before I had my scan, I was still in the gym, lifting heavy weights, doing my squats. And the next day, they found that half my spine had bone marrow replacement. I said, “Woah, sorry, what’s that?”

We had a PET scan the next day, and they diagnosed that I had terminal lung cancer, stage 4B. It had spread to the brain, half the spine, whole of my lungs were filled with tumour, liver, adrenals…

I said, “Can’t be, I was just at the gym last night, what’s going on?” I’m sure you know how it feels – though I’m not sure if you know how it feels. One moment I was there at the peak, the next day, this news came and I was totally devastated. My whole world just turned upside down.

I couldn’t accept it. I have a hundred relatives on both sides, my mom and my dad. 100 of them. And not a single one has cancer. To me, in my mind, I have good genes, I’m not supposed to be having this! Some of my relatives are heavy chain smokers. Why am I having lung cancer? I was in denial.

So the next day, I was still in a state of denial, still unable to accept what was going on. There I was lying in an operating theatre in a hospital, for a needle biopsy (for histology). There I was, just completed the biopsy, and lying in the operating theatre. The nurses and doctors had left; told me I had to wait for 15 minutes to do a check X-ray to make sure there’s no pneumothorax (a complication).

And there I was, lying on the operating table, staring blankly at the ceiling in a cold, quiet operating theatre. Suddenly I just heard an inner voice; it was not like coming from outside. It was inside. This small inner voice that I had never felt before. And it said very specifically, it said, “This has to happen to you, at your prime, because it’s the only way you can understand.”

I said, “Woah, why did that come from?” You know, when you speak to yourself, you’d say, “OK, what time should I leave this place? Where shall I have dinner after this?” You’d speak from a first person point of view. You don’t say, “Where should YOU go after this?” Whereas the voice that came spoke as a third party. It said, “This has to happen to YOU, at YOUR prime, because this is the only way YOU can understand.” At that time, my emotions just overflowed and I broke down and cried, alone there. And I knew then, subsequently, what it means to understand that why this is the only way.

Because I had been so proud of myself, my whole life, I needed nobody else. I was gifted with things that I could do, why do I need anybody else? I was just so full of myself that there was no other way I could have turned back to God.

In fact, if I were diagnosed with stage 1 or 2, I would have been looking around busily for the best cardiothoracic surgeon, remove a section of the lobe (do a lobectomy), do preventive chemotherapy…The chances of it being cured is extremely high. Who needs God? But I had stage 4B. No man can help, only God can.

A series of events happened after that. I wasn’t sold after that, because of the inner voice, I became believing, prayers, all that. No I wasn’t. To me, it was just ‘maybe there was a voice; or maybe that was just me talking to myself.’ I didn’t buy the story.

What happened next was that I was being prepared for chemotherapy. I started off with a whole brain radiation therapy first; takes about 2 -3 weeks. In the meantime they prepared me for chemotherapy, supplements etc. One of the things they used for chemo was a thing called Zometa. Zometa – they use it to strengthen the bones; once the bone marrow (replacement) is cured of cancer cells, it becomes hollow, so we need Zometa to strengthen the bone to prevent compression fractures.

One of the side effects of Zometa is that it can cause osteonecrosis (bone death) of the jaw, and I had to have my wisdom teeth removed. Years ago, I had my upper wisdom teeth removed, cos it was giving me trouble. The lower ones didn’t give me trouble so I said, “Forget it, just leave it.” So of cause, Danny volunteered to remove it for me.

So there I was, lying there in a dental chair, asking myself, suffering all the side effects of radiotherapy, and now I have to go through wisdom tooth surgery. As if I’ve not had enough to suffer! So I asked Danny, “Eh, bro, is there any other way? Can I not go though this?” He said, “Yes, you can pray.”

I said, “What’s there to lose? Ok lah, pray lah!” And so we prayed. And we did an X-ray after that. Everything was all there, all the appliances and everything. And lo and behold, the Xray showed that there was no wisdom teeth in the lower jaw. I know most people have 4 wisdom teeth, maybe some have none, but to be missing one or 2, as I understand – I’m not too sure, as I understand – is not that common.

Still I was, “Nah, I don’t care about that.” To me, as long as I didn’t have to take out the tooth, I was happy. At that point, I still wasn’t sold on prayers. Maybe it was just a coincidence – for whatever it’s worth.

I continued meeting my oncologist, asking him, “How long do I have?” I asked him. He said, not more than 6 months. I said, “Even with chemotherapy?” About 3 – 4 months, he said.

I couldn’t grasp that. It was difficult to come to terms. And even as I went through radiotherapy, I was struggling everyday, especially when I wake up, hoping that it’s just a nightmare; when I wake up, it’s all over.

As I was struggling, day after day, I went into depression, which is the typical denial, depression blah blah blah that you go through. But for 1 reason, I don’t know why, there was this specific day that I was supposed to meet my oncologist. At about 2pm, I felt this sudden surge of peace, comfort, and in fact, a little happiness. It was just overflowing. For no rhyme or reason, it just came about 2pm, as I was getting ready, dressing up to meet my oncologist. So much so that I whats-apped all my friends that, “Bros, I just feel so good suddenly! I don’t know why, it just came!”

And it was only days, or was it weeks after, that Danny revealed to me that he had fasted for 2 days for me, and he was bargaining with God, and fasted for 2 dyas, and he ended his fast at that exact same point, about 2pm thereabouts, that this surge of sensation came to me for no rhyme or reason. And I didn’t know that he was fasting for me. And when he ended the fast, I felt that sensation!

Whoa, things were getting a bit too coincidental. I was starting to buy a bit of the story, but still I wasn’t sold. As days passed by, I completed my radiotherapy, about 2 weeks plus. Getting ready for chemo, so they let me rest for a few days.

See, the mortality rate of lung cancer : Lung cancer has the highest mortality rate. If you add up breast, colorectal (colon) cancer, and prostate cancer (the top few cancers in Singapore for men and women), if you add up the mortality rate of these 3, it still doesn’t add up to lung cancer. Simply because, you understand, you can remove the prostate, the colon, the breast, but you cannot remove your lungs.

But there’s about 10% of lung cancer patients who do pretty well for some reasons, because they have this specific mutation; we call it the EGFR mutation. And it happens, only 90% of the time, in Asian ladies who never smoked in their lives. Me, first of all, I’m male. 2ndly, I’m a social smoker. I take one a day after dinner; weekends, when my friends offer me, I take it as well. I’m a light smoker, not a social smoker. But still, my oncologist was still not hopeful for me to have this mutation.

The chances of it happening for me was maybe 3-4% for me to get it. That’s why I was being primed to go for chemo. But through all the intense prayers, friends like Danny, people that I don’t even know, it turned out that, during my waiting for chemo, the results came back that I was EGFR positive. I was like, “Woah, good news!” Cos now I don’t have to undergo chemo at that time, because there’s this oral tablet that you can use to control this disease.

Just to share with you some idea – this is a CT scan – thorax – of my lungs, before treatment.

Every single dot there is a tumour. You can see all the mets (metastasis) there. This is just one single plane. Literally I had it in both lungs, and I had literally tens of thousands of tumour. That’s why the oncologist told me, even with chemo, at most 3-4 months.

But because of this mutation, they have this oral medication. This is what happened after 2 months of treatment. As you can see over here; this is what God can do. And that’s why I’m still here having this opportunity to share with you. As you can see over here, the difference between before and after treatment.

At that point, I said, “Well, it’s to be expected, isn’t it? The medicine is good.” I’m still not buying the story. Well, the guys prayed for me and the tumour markers started to come down. 90% of the tumours were wiped out, and the tumour markers came down to more than 90% over the next few months.

But still, you know, once you have the clinical knowledge, you know the statistics. One year survival, two year survival; having all this knowledge is not a good thing. Cos you live with the knowledge that even with all this, the cancer cells are so unstable, they keep mutating. They will overcome and become resistant to the drugs, and eventually you’re gonna run out of medication.

So living with this knowledge is a huge mental struggle, a huge mental torture. Cancer is not just about a physical struggle, it’s a huge mental torture. How do you live with no hope? How do you live with not being able to plan for the next few years? The oncologist tells you to bear with it for the next 1 – 2 months. So it’s a lot of struggles as I went through: March, then April. April was my lowest point, in deep depression, struggling even as I was recovering.

And one of those days, I was there in bed, struggling in the afternoon, asking God, “Why? Why do I have to go through this suffering? Why do I have to endure this hardship, this struggle? Why me?”

As I fell asleep, in my dreamy state, a vision just came, that says Hebrews 12:7-8.

Now mind you, at this time, I had not read the bible. I have no clue what’s Hebrews, I don’t even know how many chapters there are. Totally clueless.

But it says Hebrews 12:7-8, very specifically.

I didn’t think too much of it. I just continued sleeping. Then I woke up, and I said, “What’s there to lose? I’d just check it out lah!” Danny had bought me a bible; it’s still quite new. I said, “It’s ok, just try.” So I flipped to the Old Testament. Hebrews to me sounds like something ancient, so it should be in the Old Testament right? So I flipped through the Old Testament. No Hebrews there. I was so disappointed.

Then I said, “Maybe New Testament, let’s have a look!”. WOW – New Testament, there’s Hebrew’s!! It says Hebrews 12:7-8. It says, “Endure hardship as discipline as God is treating you as His children.”

I said, “WAH!! Where did that come from?” I was getting goose pimples all over my body. I said, “This can’t be, right?” I mean, what’s the chance of somebody, who has never read the bible, to have a vision of a chapter of a specific verse, that answers my question directly?

I think God called to me directly as I was there sleeping, struggling with it, asking God, “Why do I have to suffer? Why do I have to suffer this?” And God says “Endure hardship as discipline as God is treating you as His child.”

At this point, the chance of that happening is even lesser than my EGFR being positive. There’s just no way; there’s so many millions of thousands of verses in the bible, how can I just conjure up something like that?

So at that point, I was sold I said, “YOU WIN! YOU WIN!!”

Ok , I was convinced. And so from that day onwards, I started believing in my God. And the last time I heard that inner voice was the end of April. And that inner voice, same thing, in the afternoon, as I was sleeping (this time I wasn’t struggling, just going to sleep). In a dreamy state I just heard Him say, “Help others in hardship.”

It was more like a command, rather than a statement. And that’s when I embarked on this journey, helping others in hardship. And I realised that hardship is not just about being poor. In fact, I think a lot of poor people are probably happier than a lot of us here. They are so easily contented with whatever they have, they’re probably pretty happy.

Hardship can happen to rich people; it can be physical hardship, mental hardship, social, etc. And also over the last few months, I started to understand what this true joy is about. In the past, I substituted true joy with the pursuing of wealth. I thought true joy is about pursuing wealth. Why? Cos let me put it to you this way, in my death bed, I found no joy whatsoever in whatever objects I had – my Ferrari, thinking of the land I was going to buy to build my bungalow etc, having a successful business.

It brought me ZERO comfort, ZERO joy, nothing at all. Do you think I can hold onto this piece of metal and it’s going to give true joy? Nah, it’s not going to happen.

True joy comes from interaction with other people. And at a lot of times, it is a short term pride, the past. When you pursue your wealth, Chinese New Year is the best time to do it. Drive my Ferrari, show off to my relatives, show off to my friends, do my rounds, and then you thought that was true joy? You really think that those guys who sold you your Ferrari, they share their joy with you? And your relatives, wow, they share this joy with you? In truth, what you have done is just to illicit envy, jealousy, and even hatred. They are not sharing the joy with you, and what I have is that short-term pride that wow, I have something you don’t have! And I thought that was joy!

So what we have is basically a short-term pride at the expense of somebody else. And that wasn’t true joy. And I found no joy at all on my deathbed, thinking of my Ferrari – to hold on to it, sayang it?!?

True joy I discovered comes from interaction. Over the last few months I was so down. Interaction with my loved ones, my friends, my brothers in Christ, my sisters in Christ, and only then was I able to be motivated, able to be uplifted. To share your sorrow, to share your happiness – that’s true joy.

And you know what makes you smile? True joy comes from helping others in hardship, and because I’ve gone through this, I know what hardship entails. In fact, there’re some cancer patients who tell me a lot of times, people come up to them and tell them, “Stay positive. Stay positive.” Yah, right. You come in my shoes and you try to stay positive! You don’t know what you’re talking about!

But I have the licence. So I’ve been going out to meet other fellow cancer patients, to share with them, encourage them. And I know, because I’ve been through it, and it’s easier for me to talk to them.

And most importantly, I think true joy comes from knowing God. Not knowing about God – I mean, you can read the bible and know about God – but knowing God personally; getting a relationship with God. I think that’s the most important. That’s what I’ve learnt.

So if I were to sum it up, I’d say that the earlier we sort out the priorities in our lives, the better it is. Don’t be like me – I had no other way. I had to learn it through the hard way. I had to come back to God to thank Him for this opportunity because I’ve had 3 major accidents in my past – car accidents. You know, these sports car accidents – I was always speeding , but somehow I always came out alive, even with the car almost being overturned. And I wouldn’t have had a chance. Who knows, I don’t know where else I’d be going to! Even though I was baptised it was just a show, but the fact that this has happened, it gave me a chance to come back to God.

Few things I’d learnt though:
1. Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart – this is so important.
2. Is to love and serve others, not just ourselves.

There is nothing wrong with being rich or wealthy. I think it’s absolutely alright, cos God has blessed. So many people are blessed with good wealth, but the trouble is I think a lot of us can’t handle it. The more we have, the more we want. I’ve gone through it, the deeper the hole we dig, the more we get sucked into it, so much so that we worship wealth and lose focus. Instead of worshipping God, we worship wealth. It’s just a human instinct. It’s just so difficult to get out of it.

We are all professionals, and when we go into private practise, we start to build up our wealth – inevitably. So my thought are, when you start to build up wealth and when the opportunity comes, do remember that all these things don’t belong to us. We don’t really own it nor have rights to this wealth. It’s actually God’s gift to us. Remember that it’s more important to further His Kingdom rather than to further ourselves.

Anyway I think that I’ve gone through it, and I know that wealth without God is empty. It is more important that you fill up the wealth, as you build it up subsequently, as professionals and all, you need to fill it up with the wealth of God.

You Are The Author of Your Life

What's up, peeps!
Yesterday I met my friend who was formerly from HELP in the train. Honestly speaking, I was quite surprised to see him in the train at Sri Petaling LRT station as I know he is studying in UCSI currently.
It has been a long time since I met him. We are not really close but we knew each other through HELP SASA. We chat for a while until he got down from the train at Bandar Tasik Selatan LRT station.
We talked about study and our mutual friends. He asked me what made me want to study Pharmacy. I smiled and answered him because I like chemistry and I wish to be a pharmacist. FYI, he is a petroleum engineering student. 

What I want to tell is, how many of them out there know exactly what they want to be in their lives. I think quite a lot of them don't know what they want actually. Some may choose to travel the path because of parents, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, society and so on. I saw few cases in the real life. Some of them who are around me, they are actually doing what they do not like at all. They don't have even the chance to choose the path they want. Those who have the chance but they have no idea about what they like, the reason given will be "This profession is good. My parents asked me to study this." or "My result is good. They asked me to study this." or "This profession can earn a lot of money in the future and I will be well-respect. So they asked me to study this." The similarities here are THEY. In short, those are not their own wills. I understand that we may not be doing what we studied but at least we are doing what we like. It is quite sarcastic to hear that "I have a good result and I should be doing sth better such as doctor, lawyer, pharmacist, dentist." Sometimes, we must consider whether we are capable to handle the life in the future. It is not because you can study so you go for medicine. I think this is actually putting down those who have the real passion to become a doctor. They are different as they are ready to help people and cope with a life as a doctor in the future. 

No one can actually fix a standard by saying that those who study science are more capable. I will say it is nonsense! Those who are doing business, accounting can be better than those healthcare professionals. It just depends on our attitudes. Attitude is a very important element in order for us to succeed. If you have tried your best, you have no regret.
Btw, this is only my point of view. No offence. Have a nice day.

We've got a lot to Learn

What's up, peeps!
First of all, I would like to thank my adorable sweetheart for giving me response. You know who you are.
It is not annoying at all and don't worry about it.
I wish to have a date with you and have girl's talk. I really really really miss you! I feel like giving you LOL. You know what it is for. Anyway, I believe we will meet soon! Keep my fingers crossed.

I am here because I am physically and mentally exhausted. I don't know what is wrong with me recently as I feel my willpower is no longer directly proportional with my energy. In short, I don't have the energy and stamina to do what I wish to accomplish. It is very frustrating and demoralising.
I don't hope to use this as the excuse for me to slack but forcing doesn't really help. I am trying hard to figure the ways out. There are tonnes of work waiting for me and I can't afford to slack.
I AM REALLY TIRED & EXHAUSTED! God, please give me energy to move on.

I had a formative assessment of Academic Writing. It was a compare and contrast essay and the title was "Men and Women's Brains". There were two videos and an article for us to read and brainstorm. I found some facts very interesting. For example, men actually have a heavier and larger brain than women do. However, size of brain is not correlated with level of intelligence. When men think, they actually utilise that particular part of brain. Whereas when women think, they actually use more than one part of brain as the wiring system in women's brain differs from men's brain. Researchers actually prove that women think faster than men! There are few more points to discuss about but I don't want to be wordy here.

A random jump- It is hard to accept the cruel reality. I still haven't accepted the truth completely. I am still being hooked and hung in the air. I can reach neither sky nor land. This feeling is killing me. Can you please be kind to me?
"Miracles start to happen when you give as much energy to your dreams as you do to your fears."

Last but not least, everything happens for a reason. Once sth which is undesirable happened, there must be lesson behind the incident.
"Everyday is a new beginning. Problems and mistakes of yesterday are now the memories of a 'lesson-learned'! I absorb the energy and possibilities of each new day, acknowledge the simple beauty that can be taken for granted, and look forward to tomorrow's new beginning!"

It's time to go back to reality.

Just Give Me A Reason

Hi. I am here again to update myself about you but people nowadays do not even have time to blog.
Mmm... It is kinda boring to come here without your updated blog posts!
Just read Lichin's blog and I have a message for her.
" Hi, dear. I know you have been struggling for those quizzes and tests. I cannot help you with anything but giving support is the only thing I can do. Although we seldom chat recently, I still think of you sometimes. I drop you message once in a while to see whether you are doing well or not, stress or not. Maybe I am not a good friend but I still care about you in my heart. All the best and take good care of yourself. I am willing to invest my time to become a listener or anything you want. "

Nowadays, people tend to be lazier in keeping touch with friends. I admit that I am one of them. However, the urge may be strong sometimes. Mmm.. I wonder what she is doing right now. Is she okay and happy with her life now? Due to laziness and time, people will not even drop a message to date them or chat with them. Sounds miserable huh? I also don't know what's wrong. Sigh.. A fact which is undeniable, friendship will not fade as time flies if they have the faith in each other. In another word, I don't think distance and time can make the friendship "rust" if they are well-connected. Somehow, there is intangible connection between those who care and love each other. Similarly, LDR will work if there is special connection between the couple. 

Friends, I miss you actually. It is very lucky to have you, my close friends in my life. Those who have a partner right now, it is your pleasure to have him or her as he/she appears in your lives with the probability of one out of seven billions.  

Laziness is a "life-threatening" virus. It may sound exaggerating but it does alter many things in our lives. Due to laziness, we will get scolded, we fail in examination, the productivity and efficiency are reduced drastically during working time, we lose our friends, we lose our life partner and ruin the family. Everything may start smoothly in the beginning as our determination and passion are 100%. Everything seems easy and fine as we don't mind to work for it. However, there is up and down in our lives. Thing will not go smoothly forever. When there is obstacle, the tendency of giving up is very high. The determination and passion levels drop gradually. We don't find thing interesting any more. We don't persevere any more. We are lazy to put in effort and overcome those difficulties. At the end, failure is the thing we have to accept. It is still okay if you can accept failure and learn from the mistakes. But many people will just walk away and do not have the spirit to fight for it again. The thing I mentioned here could be luxuries, study, work, friendship and even relationship.

 One more thing I feel like sighing is we cannot clap with one hand. Things have to be two-way. 

Hmm.. I think I should stop here as my inspiration ran away again. The post may not sound coherent and well-organised. I apologise for that. 

Happiness Depends Upon Ourselves

"Optimism is the faith that lead to achievement. 

Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." 

On 18 February, I started my second semester of my degree. After such a long holiday, the first thing came into my mind was MONDAY BLUE. Honestly speaking, I was still in Chinese New Year mood. I was so delighted to see my batch mates again after one month break. The most frequent question asked on the first day was " You cut/dyed your hair ar? ". Basically, nothing much happened on the first day or I should say first week instead. After attending those overview lectures, the hectic life started again. There are some slight differences in this semester as I am going to have practical exam, academic writing, PBL (Problem-based Learning) as well as PSD (Pharmacy Skills Development). Well, I feel so stressful when I look at the notes I printed weekly. The lectures are pretty much to cover and revise. The mostly heard complaint is "I don't have enough time!". This is so true as we need to sleep, eat, pee, poo, gossip, listen to lectures, do revision, do reports and assignments, etc. How can we have enough time in doing that? Again, entertainment will be the one who needs to be sacrificed. However, it doesn't mean that we can sacrifice the time we have with our beloved family and friends. There will never be a waste of time if we spend our time with them! Totally worth it! 

After a fortnight of the semester 2, what I can conclude is HECTIC. I cannot imagine the life of year 2, which means semester 3 and 4 as the seniors said these will be the worst! I am actually working as a part-time tutor again as I need some income to ease my parents' burden. I really hope I can cope with it and maintain my health physiologically and mentally. At this moment, I really feel like slacking and singing " today I don't feel like doing anything! I just wanna lay in my bed. " In addition, I need to prepare for my MUET. This actually reminds me of the old time when I was preparing for my IELTS. The same mood and situation but the person beside me is no longer here. Well, I got a quite interesting topic in my MUET speaking test. It is about the ways to speak well. My option was to observe and listen to good speakers. Thank God I had Intro to Pharmacy Practice last semester and it did help me in talking sth regarding to communication skills. Furthermore, I am exposed to some wonderful lecturers who are definitely a good speaker. I get the chance to see them talk everyday and my friend did show me a recording of a motivational talk from a preacher. So, it was quite okay. Now I am worrying about my reading, writing and listening tests. I hope my academic writing in this semester will help me in my writing part. Praying hard!

Not forget to mention that 2 days ago was my close friend's birthday who is far far away from everyone of us. Happy belated birthday to you and I do hope my surprise will work. Anyway, I don't wish to get any feedback from you as I know I will get nothing. You are just too shy to express your appreciation. Just want you to know that I really really put a lot of efforts in making all this. So, I wish you all the best and don't stress too much. You will find a way out afterwards. So many of us are supporting you from far and you must stay optimistic. 

I will update soon if I have no mood to study. I will catch up with you peeps soon! By the way, nowadays people are getting busier and they don't even have time to update their blogs. Well, I understand that but it is kinda boring as I have nothing to read! Hehe.. See you! 

Point of No Return

Hi! How are you doing? I just realise this is my first post in 2013! Surprisingly, it will be a good post! Hahaha.. I hope you have a great beginning of year 2013.

This message is addressed to the special bee.
" Thanks for your advices yesterday and thanks for being frank to me. You know it is pretty important to me. I thought a lot last night before I sleep. I shouldn't be so stubborn. People will grow after they have experienced something in lives. So do I. I think this is a good experience for us to deal with our lives, deal with the problems that we faced. It made us more matured in thinking as well as our behaviours. I believe things happen for a reason and there will be a good lesson behind the incident. If you are mine, you will definitely still be mine but if you are not, then force no happiness. Maybe I am a perfectionist and I can hardly accept what you told me yesterday. But I know we have to be practical and consider about some other thing else. I'm not in an island alone and I have family and friends who love me and care about me. Same goes to you. Those memories are not fake definitely. They are the evidences which show your existence in my life as my first love. Undeniably, you are an awesome friend who can light up my world when I am in darkness or so called dilemma. I am glad that I have you to lend me a hand when I need to walk through the dark tunnel. You should know I will always do the same for you. When you need me, I will be there for you and give you support. If you need to be secured or you need warmth, I can give you. I will still miss you when I am alone at night. I will still miss you when I hear your favourite songs or songs that belong to us. I will definitely miss the time when I was the only girl whom you had in your arms. I will learn to let go and expect less. I expect you to be my close friend yea! I hope I really can pull through and take it. It has been a long journey for me to do so, yet I failed. Now, I must make this as my new year resolution. You, my only one will still be my only one but with different meaning and different role. I will keep those laughters, happiness, tears, sorrow in my heart. Those were the elements of the process which are quite memorable. You must do the same and let's grow up together. Even though I still haven't let go totally at this moment but I am slowly accepting the truth. It has been six months since you left me. It is so short yet so long. Time will heal right? I hope I can keep this positive thinking until the day we both let go. One more thing I want to tell you, you are not the one who can decide who deserve me or stuff like that but God will do. So don't think that you are not good and I deserve a better one. I am not as good as you think and you should know I have many shortcomings. Perhaps, I won't go into any relationship at this moment. I won't hunt as I know the person will come to me if we are meant to be together. Last but not least, thank you bee. I am proud to be your first love. "

This message is addressed to the other two musketeers.
" Both of you are the most awesome friends I have ever had in my life. My sisters and my buddies! Yo! One of you is going to leave soon but I know you will still miss us right? You like ooVoo instead of Skype right? Hahaha.. We will make it! We still have a lot of crazy stuffs to do together right? Hope we can hang out more and stick together more. By the way, distance shouldn't be the obstacle between us. We can still maintain as we are connected! Both of you take care and all the best in your study k? We will meet soon! I hope busyness is not the reason to separate us apart and disconnect us. You are my bra and I am your bra. We support each other yea! "

This message is addressed to the birthday girl tomorrow.
" Happy birthday in advanced. I can see your event went quite well and you had fun! Sorry because I can't make it to support you. All the best in your study and don't stress yourself too much. You must always believe that you can make it. Thanks for your support and guidance which you have given to me. I appreciate you as my friend. Smile more and be crazy when you are with me k? No more image. Hahaha. Have a blast, sweetheart! "

This message is addressed to all the Chinese readers!
"Happy Chinese New Year in advanced! Don't eat too much because it is CNY. Hehehe.. Take good care of yourselves. Enjoy the moment with your beloved family. Lover put it aside first. Wahaha. Just kidding! Have fun! Uhm.. I am not being racist but those who are non-Chinese, Happy Holidays! You still can celebrate with your Chinese friends ( especially to Tharo ). "